Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version
by RobinGabriella
Summary: Romeo and Juliet in a slightly funnier way...
1. Act 1  Prologue

**Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version - Prologue**

_The narrator enters. She is approximately 5ft tall, has short dark hair and wears glasses. And has a really fucking annoying squeaky voice, especially on video. She says 'basically' too much._

NARRATOR: Hi, I'm the narrator and I find it necessary to spoil the entire plot for the sake of dramatic irony and some shit that Elizabethans believe in! Basically what happens is that there was some feud ages ago between the Montagues and the Capulets but no one really remembers (or cares) anymore. It's basically a massive and blatantly obvious plot device and remains completely unexplained for the duration of the entire play. Anyway, the two houses really hate each other and take every opportunity to try and start fights to kill each other for no apparent reason. Then, a rebellious teenager with no brain and a misogynistic paedophile randomly fall in love and die. And that's the entire plot. Have fun sticking around for three hours to watch exactly what I just told you! I mean, it's only the most obvious plot in the history of man. And I can't believe I just got away with calling Shakespeare unoriginal!


	2. Act 1, Scene 1

**Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version – Act 1, Scene 1**

_The scene starts in Verona town square. It has recently been redecorated and now has a matching colour scheme, thanks to a collection of patterned drapes and a new rug. There is a large statue of Prince Escalus in the middle of the square in a rather lewd position displaying something rather lewd. This has been deemed inappropriate for a 16__th__ century audience, even though it has been re-written for the 21__st__ century. _

SAMPSON: I'm a servant! I'm really bored, so let's randomly bitch about the Montagues.

GREGORY: Sounds like fun!

SAMPSON: I'm going to physically conquer Montague women and sexually conquer Montague men!

GREGORY: Isn't that technically illegal in 16th century Italy?

SAMPSON: It's okay, Shakespeare is clearly gay.

GREGORY: So is the chick who does these abridged things...I mean, seriously, she's never had a boyfriend or displayed any interest in men, pretty much all of her friends are girls and her hard drive is full of yuri hentai. I think someone would have noticed by now...

**NARRATOR: True...**

SAMSON: Oh look, it's some Montague scum who my masters have a problem with but for some reason let their servants do their dirty work! It's amazing the death rate among us lowly servants, and it doesn't have anything to do with plague! I bite my thumb at you!

**NARRATOR: Wait, what? Is that supposed to be threatening?**

GREGORY: Shut up, dyke.

**NARRATOR: Fuck you.**

MONTAGUE GUY: I'm pissed off for no apparent reason! I'm going to try and kill you now.

_A relatively small fight ensues, considering how there are only four people currently involved._

BENVOLIO: I am Benvolio and I am totally not gay!

TYBALT: And neither am I! But that massive sword you just pulled out is totally turning me on right now...

BENVOLIO: I know...

_A homoerotic fight ensues. For some reason both Benvolio's and Tybalt's shirts are removed during the fighting and they accidentally kiss and grope each other. A lot. _

TYBALT: I hate all of you, Montagues!

BENVOLIO: I love it when you talk rough, babe!

CITIZEN1: I am a random kindly citizen; therefore I will attack you all with my club! This is not a reference to my penis!

CITIZEN2: I am a random kindly citizen, therefore I will attack you all with my club! This is not a reference to my penis!

MONTAGUE: I am Montague, therefore I am important! I think I'll randomly start fighting now!

CAPULET: I am Capulet, and I am also important! However, I just got this new cape so I think I'll sit this one out.

MONTAGUE: And I just got these shoes dry-cleaned. I think I'll just sit here, too.

MRS MONTAGUE: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? THEY'RE OUR MORTAL ENEMIES! WHY AREN'T YOU KILLING THEM?

MRS CAPULET: I CONCUR! BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I AGREE WITH MRS MONTAGUE.

**NARRATOR: But you just did...**

MRS CAPULET: Shut up, dyke!

_There is an unnecessarily flamboyant fanfare. About twenty half naked men wearing nothing but male chastity belts emerge from every side of the square, and another group emerge from around a convenient corner with a large metal contraption covered in leather straps. Prince Escalus, who has a completely heterosexual name, is tied into it._

ESCALUS: Good morning, darlings!

MONTAGUE: Oh, not him again...

CAPULET: Can't we have a slightly more threatening prince?

MRS MONTAGUE: And remind me why one city has a prince all of its own?

MRS CAPULET: I wonder when he'll realize it's actually afternoon...

ESCALUS: I've come to command that you all stop fighting immediately! You'll totally get blood all over the lovely decorations I put all over my new square!

BENVOLIO: I'm not sure I like the magenta...

ESCALUS: It's FUSCHIA, dumbass! Anyway, throw down your weapons, ladies!

MRS CAPULET: But we weren't fighting!

ESCALUS: By 'ladies' I actually meant 'all men currently wearing tights'. Which is all of you.

_The men throw down their weapons._

ESCALUS: Good. Now, if you do it again, I'll kill you. So don't do it, because snuff fetish is illegal on this website. Capulet, I want to talk to you...

CAPULET: WHY GOD WHY?

_Escalus and Capulet leave. His wife trails behind him, looking pissed off._

MONTAGUE: Hey Benvolio, have you seen Romeo around?

BENVOLIO: Kind of...

MRS MONTAGUE: What do you mean, kind of? Were you two at one of Escalus's parties again?

_-FLASHBACK-_

ESCALUS: PARTAY TIME!

BENVOLIO: Hey Romeo, you're looking so fine in those tights tonight. I can see how big your-

**NARRATOR: HAND. You definitely meant HAND there, didn't you?**

BENVOLIO: Actually, I meant-

**NARRATOR: DUCK. You definitely meant DUCK there, didn't you?**

ROMEO: Yeah, I have a pretty big duck, don't I Benvolio. Would you like to play with my duck?

BENVOLIO: Yeah, quack for me, bitch.

**NARRATOR: MY EYES.**

**YAOI FANGIRLS: YAY!**

_-FLASHBACK OVER-_

BENVOLIO: How do you even know that?

MRS MONTAGUE: Facebook.

BENVOLIO: Damn. Now everyone can see me giving Romeo a blowjob.

MONTAGUE: Steering hastily away from the subject of my son's apparent homosexuality, how is he?

BENVOLIO: Still trying to convince some chick that he isn't gay. Again. For like, the thirteenth time.

MONTAGUE: He really needs a good, hard-

**NARRATOR: APPLE. You mean APPLE, don't you?**

MONTAGUE: Yeah...well, just make him fall in love with some other stupid bitch so he can have kids. Make sure she's so underage she doesn't even have boobs yet. He'll like that.

_Later that day. Benvolio has found Romeo, who's looking emo. _

BENVOLIO: Heya cousin! You're looking happy this fine evening!

ROMEO: I'm so fucking depressed right now. The woman I love has just sworn a life of chastity, my parents think I'm gay, and photos of you giving me a blowjob are now all over the internet. Who knows what random perverts are out there, jacking off to that photo? It's so embarrassing.

BENVOLIO: Oh well. Maybe we could go and look at some yaoi on the internet. That usually cheers you up.

ROMEO: Wait a second, we're cousins? Like, blood cousins?

BENVOLIO: Yeah. Your mother is my mother's sister. I thought you knew this.

ROMEO: So I got a fucking blowjob from my own fucking cousin? That's so totally FUCKING HOT.

BENVOLIO: And you wonder why this chick has sworn herself to a life of chastity...

_They go back to Benvolio's place and watch yaoi. What happens next is too disgusting for words, so it has been censored. Again. Goddamn these Elizabethans, they make me cut out large sections of the story!_


	3. Act 1, Scene 2

**Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version - Act 1, Scene 2**

_The scene opens in the lovely grounds of the Capulet mansion. Capulet and Paris are walking around it, talking about completely innocuous things._

CAPULET: Your mother is so fat, when she walks past a window we lose four days of sunlight!

PARIS: Your mother is so fat, small objects are pulled into orbit around her!

CAPULET: Your mother is so fat, she had to get baptised at Sea World!

PARIS: Your mother is so fat, her belt size is 'equator'!

**NARRATOR: Wait; do you even know what that means yet?**

CAPULET: Right, now onto the completely insignificant details of my only daughter's marriage.

PARIS: How old is she again?

CAPULET: Thirteen.

**NARRATOR: I'm seriously not kidding you. She is thirteen.**

PARIS: That's so...sexy...

CAPULET: Yeah, well, since that massive economic recession I can't afford to have a wedding yet, so you'll have to wait a few years for my mafia contacts – I mean, investments, to cash in. But in the mean time we're going to have a massive party.

PARIS: I think I'll start flirting with her, even though she's barely old enough to do anything legally!

CAPULET: Hey, we're in 16th century Italy written by a 16th century English pervert! Of course she can do stuff legally! I mean, why would anyone have a problem with a 13-year-old marrying someone probably twice or more her age and probably dying in childbirth because her body isn't developed enough yet?

PARIS: Not me!

CAPULET: Hey, random servant!

PETER: I have a name, you know!

CAPULET: I don't fucking care, peon! Just do what I say and I'll give you some extra gruel with your evening gruel!

PETER: Living standards and workers rights have moved on a bit since medieval times! You can't just order me around anymore!

CAPULET: Yes, I can. I'm Lord Fucking Capulet; I can do whatever I want because I have money.

PETER: Really, I would never have guessed, you fascist pig! The workers and I will rise up and overthrow your unfair regime based on the evils of money and class system and establish a completely fair society in which everyone owns everything! Workers, ARE YOU WITH ME?

_There is silence._

PETER: Can I at least shout, 'this is Sparta!'?

CAPULET: No. Now invite all these people on this here list of people. And don't show it to any of the Montagues, I really fucking hate them.

_Peter walks away and down a street. _

PETER: It's a pity I can't read, like the majority of other uneducated servant workers in 16th century Italy. I think I'll start a new brand of politics, one in which everyone is completely equal and where society is fair, so we will live our days in happiness and freedom with a loving community to support us every step of the way. I think I will call it-

ROMEO: OH LIFE! WHY ART THOU SO CRUEL?

PETER: Okay, that was random.

BENVOLIO: Calm down Romeo! She's only a woman. I mean, how can you prefer her over me? I'm your cousin!

ROMEO: BUT DAD SAYS I HAVE TO FANCY WOMEN IN ORDER TO PERPETUATE THE MALE LINE! WHY WON'T HE ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM?

BENVOLIO: There, there, honey, maybe a little bob with Mr. Ducky will make you feel better.

_This too has been censored. Both Peter and the Narrator are now mentally scarred forever._

ROMEO: I feel so much better! Blowjobs from your male cousin make everything okay again!

PETER: I'm a random servant! Please read this letter that I'm conspicuously carrying!

ROMEO: "Please come to our massive super special awesome party tonight. Don't forget to wear your mask so no one will notice if you aren't on the guest list and just happen to be reading this because my servant is a retard. Love, Lord Capulet."

BENVOLIO: That sounds like a great place to pick up some ass!

ROMEO: I'm now depressed again.

BENVOLIO: Why?

ROMEO: You just said 'ass'. Which is exactly what I'm not getting right now! If my hair wasn't already black because I'm Italian, I would totally dye it black. I think I'm going to get multiple painful piercings now.

BENVOLIO: Is that completely necessary? I mean, we know you're an emo.

**NARRATOR: That's a very modern concept. And depression isn't accepted as a mental illness until the 20****th**** century. **

ROMEO: Mr. Ducky wants another bath.

BENVOLIO: This isn't weird.

**NARRATOR: MY EYES.**


	4. Act 1, Scene 3

**Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version – Act 1, Scene 3**

_This scene is pretty irrelevant to the plot because no one cares about women in this play because most of the main characters are male. The scene is currently in Juliet's bedroom, which is Barbie-themed. She still sleeps in a cot and most of her clothes no longer fit her because her nurse can't bear to throw out all the cute baby clothes she had when she was younger. This means she's complete jailbait. _

MRS CAPULET: Juliet? Oh, Juliet? Where the hell are you, daughter?

NURSE: Probably playing with her dollies again. You know how innocent and sweet she is when she plays with her dollies?

MRS CAPULET: Stop your futile dithering and help me look for her, you old prostitute!

NURSE: Oh Juliet? Where are you my little precious snookums pile of cutesy bundle of joy and joyness?

JULIET: Here, mother!

NURSE: Isn't she just ADORABLE!

MRS CAPULET: No.

JULIET: Can I have some clothes that fit me now?

MRS CAPULET: No.

NURSE: That reminds me of this one time you accidentally gave your father a handjob!

JULIET: O-kay, you do realise I have no idea what that means because I'm only 13.

MRS CAPULET: Anyway, because I'm a complete bitch and can't wait to see you die – I mean, happily married with about three hundred children, how do you feel about marrying someone in their thirties?

JULIET: I've never really thought about it...Though I guess it's probably okay, since it's completely normal for me to have no say in anything whatsoever regarding my life.

RANDOM SERVANT: The feast is ready!

JULIET: Yay food!

NURSE: Yay food!

MRS CAPULET: Yay death! – I mean, food!


	5. Act 1, Scene 4

**Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version – Act 1, Scene 4**

_Romeo, Benvolio and their other friend Mercutio are going to the Capulet's party. They are all wearing exactly the same clothes as normal, but with rather unconvincing masks that completely fail to mask their identities. But apparently no one else notices. That must be some good booze. _

ROMEO: I am still so depressed!

BENVOLIO: Will you at least dance with me?

ROMEO: I will dance with no one! Dancing is something you do at three in the morning in your bedroom, all alone, and mostly involves songs with the words 'death', 'pain' and 'misery' in them.

MERCUTIO: I have no idea why you're such an emo. It must be the black hair, which coincidentally also makes you look totally gay.

ROMEO: It's completely natural! And I'm busy being in love!

MERCUTIO: Please, spew some cliché metaphors so I can turn them all into innuendos!

ROMEO: I long to feel your heart like a pillow against mine!

MERCUTIO: I long to feel your massive boobs against my-

ROMEO: I long to taste your sweetness!

MERCUTIO: I long to eat your-

ROMEO: I long to feel your long, stiff rod inside me!

MERCUTIO: That one doesn't need any explaining. And are you sure about the gay thing, because that just made you sound really homosexual. In a completely literal way.

ROMEO: I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING BLOWJOBS OFF BENVOLIO.

MERCUTIO: Awkward...

BENVOLIO: You HAD to bring that up, didn't you?

ROMEO: Anyway, I had this totally awesome dream last night-

MERCUTIO: Was Benvolio in it?

ROMEO: No. Anyway, I was-

MERCUTIO: Did he give you a blowjob in it?

ROMEO: FUCK OFF DOUCHEBAG. I dreamed that going to this party is a bad idea. I mean, we're obviously going to get caught because our disguises consist of paper masks and our normal clothes. We didn't even bother to try dressing like women again!

BENVOLIO: You remember that?

_-FLASHBACK-_

ROMEO: Oh, Benvolio! The totally dodgy silhouette of your feminine-yet-totally-masculine form against my bedroom wall is so erotic!

BENVOLIO: I never realised how comfortable women's clothes were...

ROMEO: So if you dress like a woman, does that mean I can fancy you and not be gay?

BENVOLIO: Uh, yeah, why not?

ROMEO: THEN SUCK IT, BITCH!

BENVOLIO: Why did I agree to this? Who cares, he just admitted he likes me!

_There is more censorship. This is mainly to protect the already mentally scarred author._

_-FLASHBACK OVER—_

ROMEO: I have a bad feeling about this...

MERCUTIO: Who cares! Lets PAR-TAY!

BENVOLIO: What he said!

ROMEO: I guess I'll just forget all about that ominous foreshadowing I just did and do exactly the opposite! I mean, it's not like I'm going to wind up dead or anything!


	6. Act 1, Scene 5

**Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version – Act 1, Scene 5**

_Inside the Capulet's super special awesome party thing. Capulet is drunk. Romeo spots Juliet across the room and decides to talk to her._

ROMEO: Heya baby.

JULIET: Get away from me, pedo.

ROMEO: But you're so sexy, what with your prepubescent, scantily clad body and your innocent female mind.

JULIET: He just paid me a compliment! We must be in love now; therefore I will abandon all reason and start talking jibberish.

ROMEO: Random religious metaphor!

JULIET: Random religious metaphor!

**NARRATOR: How do using religious metaphors make your relationship any healthier? I mean, she's 13 and he's at least 20. That definitely is paedophilia, which the Church definitely doesn't approve of.**

ROMEO: STFU, dyke, we're trying to be in love over here!

_Somewhere else in the room._

TYBALT: Remember me? I was in scene 1, and I was hitting on Benvolio! And now I can hear Romeo's voice. Therefore I feel the need to brood and look angsty. But I wonder if Benvolio is here...

CAPULET: Heya Tybalt dude, the booze is totally awesome! I can't even see straight and I've only had like 79 beers!

TYBALT: Romeo's over there?

CAPULET: What?

TYBALT: I said, Romeo's over there!

CAPULET: WHAT?

TYBALT: FUCKING ROMEO IS FUCKING FLIRTING WITH YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER!

CAPULET: I don't care. Don't start a fight, dude, it ain't cool. Now piss off, I'm trying to pick up some ass...

TYBALT: Don't you have a wife for that?

CAPULET: Yeah, but she's only about twenty six, far too old for a respectable man like me. I wonder if anyone brought any toddlers along...

**NARRATOR: PEDO.**

_Meanwhile..._

ROMEO: Can we make out now?

JULIET: No. We have to get married first. Remember, I'm just a simple woman who doesn't know her own mind so you must possess me legally before you can possess my body with your kisses. And penis.

ROMEO: Uh, maybe later. Can I kiss you very chastely now?

JULIET: Sure.

_They kiss. Not much._

JULIET: Right, back to our random religious metaphors that make paedophilia all okay again!

ROMEO: Is this another excuse to kiss?

JULIET: Pretty much.

_They kiss again._

NURSE: Aw, is my ickle baby poos being kissed by an older man? I'm so drunk I don't even care!

JULIET: Do you actually have a purpose?

NURSE: Lady Capulet wants to see you.

ROMEO: Holy shit! Your mother is Lady Capulet?

JULIET: Well duh. Who else is bitchy enough to refuse to buy me new clothes since I was two and a half?

ROMEO: My mother. But if we had the same mother, we'd be siblings...which is so sexy...

JULIET: I'm going to go now! Goodbye, fatalistic love of my life!

BENVOLIO: Hey, you haven't been kissing people other than me, have you?

ROMEO: Ah, not at all, cousin. I mean, she isn't really a person because she's a woman and technically also a child, so she practically doesn't exist!

BENVOLIO: Well that's okay then. Want to come back to my place for some buttsex?

ROMEO: Uh, no.

BENVOLIO: How about some coffee, disguised as buttsex?

ROMEO: Okay!

_They leave._

JULIET: Who was that guy?

NURSE: You were making out with him and you didn't even ask his name?

JULIET: I'm far too stupid and impulsive for that. Find it out for me!

_Nurse leaves and asks him._

NURSE: His name is Romeo, of the house of Montague.

JULIET: Holy shit, he's a Montague! That makes him even more appealing because it will totally piss of my mother!


	7. Act 2 Prologue

Act 2 Prologue

Narrator: In case you didn't notice, the two star-crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet are now quite clearly in completely fatalistic yet hopelessly romantic love. This may be a problem, since Juliet is only 13 and therefore a child, making Romeo a complete paedophile should he do anything to her. Unless they take their relationship to the next level (which they totally will) it's just classified as child grooming at the moment. And Romeo is clearly gay, but trying to repress that side of his nature by trying to attract himself to prepubescent girls. He should have just stayed with Benvolio...Ah well, it's not like their love is going to get them killed or anything. Like, totally not.


	8. Act 2, Scene 1

Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version – Act 2, Scene 1

_Romeo has left the party and ditched Benvolio and Mercutio. He wanders through the Capulet gardens, softly crying and moping even though he is happy. Benvolio and Mercutio enter, and Romeo jumps in a bush._

BENVOLIO: Hey Romeo! Come out, come out, wherever you are!

MERCUTIO: Dude, he's in his twenties, like that's going to work anymore. Why don't you offer him a blowjob as an incentive to come out?

BENVOLIO: Why don't you?

MERCUTIO: Because I'm not gay.

BENVOLIO: And neither am I!

MERCUTIO: You routinely give other men blowjobs and godknows what else. You have never shown any attraction towards women, except to their clothing. You wear tights by choice. You're definitely gay.

BENVOLIO: Why are you so cruel to me, Mercutio?

MERCUTIO: Because I'm a dick. Now do it.

BENVOLIO: Oh Romeo, does Mr. Ducky want a bath again?

ROMEO: Must – resist – temptation –

BENVOLIO: I have whipped cream!

ROMEO: Not – resisting – well – Wait a minute, is this stuff poison ivy?

MERCUTIO: Hell, I can't be bothered anymore. Fancy a beer?

BENVOLIO: Can we go to that brothel with all the men in again?

MERCUTIO: No. Now shut up and give Mercutio a blowjob, you whore.

BENVOLIO: Yay! I mean, not again...

_Benvolio and Mercutio leave...eventually. Suddenly, a floodlight turns on and puts Romeo in a spotlight._

JULIET: HOLD IT PUNK! I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU'RE DOING ON MY LAWN, BUT YOU'RE GOING DOOOOOOWN!

ROMEO: Juliet, 'tis I, your beloved Romeo!

JULIET: Oh, right. Does this mean I'm not allowed to mace you?

ROMEO: Generally, yes.

JULIET: [looks at Author] Do I have to say it now?

**AUTHOR: Yes. This is non-negotiable.**

JULIET: Oh, Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?

**AUTHOR: Louder!**

JULIET: Oh, Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo!

**AUTHOR: LOUDER!**

JULIET OH ROMEO, ROMEO, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU ROMEO!

**AUTHOR: Great, now one more time with less-**

JULIET: SHUT UP, DYKE!

ROMEO: I am here, my jailbait – I mean, love!

JULIET: Shut up so I can monologue. Right, it just so happens that Romeo is a Montague, who my family doesn't like. So basically we have to defy death in order to be together, despite constant warnings from an author who doesn't like us very much that we're going to die.

ROMEO: I love you!

JULIET: Romeo! I am worried that you only love me because of my infant-like body, for I have heard the rumours about you and your cousin!

ROMEO: You too! Oh please, he was just a fling!

JULIET: Are you sure?

ROMEO: Positive!

JULIET: I feel the need to test you! If you still love me tomorrow, we shall be married!

**AUTHOR: Wait, after one day? Isn't that just a little bit too short to test for a love that could last for a lifetime? Courtships usually take months or years!**

ROMEO: SHUT UP DYKE! I accept, my love!

JULIET: I'll send my nurse to you tomorrow!

ROMEO: Yay! I'll go find an unsuspecting monk, now! Toodles!

JULIET: You do realise how gay that made you look?

ROMEO: Just go with it...


	9. Act 2, Scene 2

Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version – Act 2, Scene 2

_Friar Lawrence, clad in a tunic with a large marijuana leaf emblazoned across the chest and a Rasta hat, is wandering about in his 'herb garden' with a basket full of 'herbs', smoking an 'herb' spliff. _

FRIAR LAWRENCE: Dis is some good shit, man. Mah new hash brownie recipe is fuckin' awesome, man. I'm totally trippin' balls, man.

_Friar Lawrence stumbles around the garden before falling to rest on a particularly large pile of horse manure. Romeo enters._

ROMEO: Oh, Friar Lawrence, I have brilliant news!

FRIAR LAWRENCE: 'kay, man, whatever. Just let me sleep, 'kay man?

ROMEO: But I am in love?

FRIAR LAWRENCE: The whole fuckin' town knows you're in love, man. With Benvolio.

ROMEO: Oh, he was just a fling. But I have a new love!

FRIAR LAWRENCE: That's great, man. Now shut up, you're killing my buzz.

ROMEO: But we must be married!

FRIAR LAWRENCE: If I agree to marry you, will you get the fuck outa here?

ROMEO: Yes!

FRIAR LAWRENCE: Fine, man. Now fuck off!

_Friar Lawrence proceeds to giggle loudly, very high on ye olde weede. Romeo picks a few stalks and skips off. Friar Lawrence then discovers a small colony of dung beetles living in the pile of manure, which he finds excessively hilarious._


	10. Act 2, Scene 3

Romeo and Juliet: The Abridged Version – Act 2, Scene 3

_Benvolio and Mercutio wake up, surrounded by bottles of wine and in various states of undress. _

MERCUTIO: Oh shit, did we?

BENVOLIO: We totally did.

MERCUTIO: If you tell anyone, I'll kill you with my bare hands.

BENVOLIO: But if you ever want to go again, you have my number…

MERCUTIO: I may just take you up on that…

_They begin to frolic; Mercutio wrestles Benvolio to the ground and places his hands in very unfortunate places. Benvolio 'accidentally' grabs Mercutio in a very unfortunate place, and Mercutio 'accidentally' turns Benvolio onto his front. Before anything illicit can happen, a very startled messenger arrives._

MESSENGER: I come bearing a message for one Romeo Montague!

BENVOLIO: We'll take it. He didn't come back last night.

_Messenger leaves, climbs awkwardly onto his horse, and gallops away._

MERCUTIO: What does it say?

BENVOLIO: i challenge u 2 a duel, xTybaltx. P.S. Benvolio, wanna get sum pizza w me nxt Tuesday?

MERCUTIO: Tybalt is going to own Romeo! I can't wait to see his hands all over Romeo's body, their massive swords dripping with sweat, _[CENSORED]_

BENVOLIO: Ooh! I have a date! What should I wear?

MERCUTIO: How about tights and a mini dress, like the rest of us?

**AUTHOR: Yeah, **_**so**_** not gay.**

BENVOLIO: I know! Tybalt's legs are to die for!

MERCUTIO: Not to mention his gorgeous eyes, his sexy voice, his long, dark hair…

BENVOLIO: And his sweet ass…

MERCUTIO: Why do you like Tybalt so much?

BENVOLIO: I don't know, why do _you_ like Tybalt so much?

MERCUTIO: I'm not gay, okay!

BENVOLIO: But we just-

MERCUTIO: No. That meant nothing!

BENVOLIO: But I thought what we had was special!

_Romeo enters, smelling strongly of ye olde weede. Benvolio proceeds to cry in a corner._

MERCUTIO: Where did you get to last night, young man?

ROMEO: I was out a-courting!

MERCUTIO: Then why do you smell like ye olde weede?

ROMEO: Because I am getting married on the morrow!

MERCUTIO: To whom? Benvolio?

ROMEO: No way, the person I'm marrying is much younger…

BENVOLIO: Traitorous paedophile!

ROMEO: But I love her!

MERCUTIO: 'Her'? But we all thought-!

ROMEO: Just because a guy likes to wear tights and get blowjobs from another very attractive man and go to all-male brothels and-

MERCUTIO: You have just proved you're gay!

ROMEO: No I'm not!

BENVOLIO: Romeo, I believe it's time you came out of the closet.

ROMEO: What?

MERCUTIO: You aren't fooling any of us. Just say it and get over it already.

BENVOLIO: Then maybe we can get down to business…

_Nurse, who had been standing just outside the door for the last few minutes, bursts in at this point._

NURSE: Romeo! You had better not be playing my beloved Juliet!

ROMEO: Of course not! I love her, and her pre-pubescent body!

NURSE: Okay, that's good enough for me.

ROMEO: Can you get her to see Friar Lawrence tomorrow?

NURSE: The stoner?

ROMEO: Yep, that's the one. She should go to confession before she marries me.

NURSE: Sure. I'll think of a way for you to sneak into her room as well, if you like.

ROMEO: Thanks! Now I'm off to bang Benvolio!

BENVOLIO: Yey!

NURSE: I'M LEAVING NOW.

**AUTHOR: And this is the guy who is supposedly not gay?**


End file.
